Actions and Consequences
by Wanker-The-Wizard
Summary: Some members of the Fellowship decide to break into Gandalf's home...and have to suffer the consequences once caught. First LOTR fic, so please be gentle.R/R very appreciated.


"Shhh, not so loud!" Gimli hissed to the hobbits behind him.  
  
Legolas shook his head. "I hope for all of your sakes that a wizard's  
  
hearing is not as keen as an elf's...and that Gandalf does not punish you  
  
too severely."  
  
Frodo paused behind them. "He's right, maybe we should not go on. Maybe  
  
Gandalf already knows our plot...maybe he is awake right now!"  
  
Merry covered his mouth. "Frodo, where is your bravery?" Frodo mumbled  
  
something beneath Merry's hand. "What?" Frodo mumbled again. "I don't  
  
understand you!" Merry cried.  
  
"Well, maybe you should uncover his mouth then." Pippin suggested, Merry  
  
grinned sheepishly and uncovered Frodo's mouth.  
  
"I said I lost it in Mordor!" Frodo huffed turning around. "And I'm  
  
leaving!"  
  
Merry and Pippin dragged him back. "No, don't go!" Pippin cried. "Don't you  
  
want to see what a wizard's home looks like?"  
  
"Well, yes I do..." Frodo mused. "But why don't we just *ask* Gandalf?"  
  
Gimli snorted. "What? For some tea and cakes and a tour of this forbidden  
  
place?Actually," He paused thoughtfully. "it does sound much easier."  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Well, yeah, but that defeats the author's  
  
purpose."  
  
"Author?" Merry asked.  
  
"Yeah, the retarded chick that's writing this...Look, I don't have time to  
  
get in all the details, besides, it's much more exciting to enter one's  
  
house without permission." Legolas explained, the others voiced their  
  
agreement. They tiptoed across the lawn, they neared the front door when  
  
Gimli let out a shriek and everyone noticed a loud crack. "Gimli?" Legolas  
  
asked. "What have you done?"  
  
"There was a watchman making a mockery of my kindred!" Gimli replied  
  
angrily. "I chopped him in half but he did not bleed!"  
  
Legolas looked where Gimli pointed. "Gimli..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"That was a lawn gnome." Legolas replied.  
  
"Oh. Well......let's carry on then." Gimli said, they stood in front of the  
  
door thoughtfully. "How should we open this?"  
  
"Well, we can always ring the doorbell." Frodo suggested, everyone threw him  
  
an annoyed look. "I know, I know, it defeats the purpose. Ok, so how are we  
  
getting in?"  
  
Pippin's eyes brightened. "Why doesn't one of us go through the window?"  
  
"And if they are locked?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Then through the chimney!" Pippin said, pride shining through his little  
  
hobbit eyes.  
  
"And if a fire is lit?" Legolas asked again.  
  
"Then we shall have to pick the lock." Pippin proposed, less  
  
enthusiastically. Wishing that Legolas would just accept his ideas.  
  
"What if he has one of those dead bolt locks...or a chain lock?" Legolas  
  
asked to Pippin's annoyance.  
  
Pippin threw up his hands. "Well, then I do not know!" He glared at the elf.  
  
"Let's try the window plan, shall we? Ok, who will go in?" Everyone remained  
  
silent. "Well, I can not go...it was my plan and I am greatly needed to see  
  
how this would fair out. From a distance."  
  
"Well, I am too tall...and what if i bruise? Or what if my long Pantened  
  
locks get tangled?" Legolas whined.  
  
"I AM TOO LOUD!" Gimli shouted as if trying to prove his point.  
  
Merry and Frodo stared at each other, then Merry said. "I am a Brandybuck."  
  
Frodo frowned. "So?"  
  
So...I am....uhhh...more important than you." Merry stated slowly.  
  
"He's right, you know." chimed in Pippin.  
  
Frodo sighed. "Very well, then...lift me up." Merry and Pippin allowed Frodo  
  
to stand on their hands and they boosted him up to the window. Frodo pushed  
  
the window open and tumbled - very ungracefully- inside. Legolas, Gimli and  
  
the two hobbits whinced as they heard numerous loud 'bangs' and 'clangs' and  
  
crashed come from inside. All was silent, Legolas whispered. "I think  
  
Gandalf got him."  
  
The front door creaked open slowly, Legolas nudged Gimli forward. "Go,  
  
Master Dwarf."  
  
"Me?!" Gimli cried. "Why not the halflings?"  
  
"Because, dear Gimli, if you want to be in my favour you shall prove  
  
yourself worthy." Legolas replied, looking at him expectantly.  
  
Gimli mumbled something under his breath and inched slowly towards the door.  
  
He nudged it open wider with his axe, then slowly he slipped inside.  
  
Proudly, he swung the door wide open for the three outside to see but before  
  
he could bask in his glory. the door swung off its hinges and fell with a  
  
loud crash.  
  
"This.Is.Not.Going.Well." Merry whinced, walking towards the now open  
  
door way.  
  
Frodo bit his lip. "Gimli, that was rather dwarvish of you..."  
  
Gimli whirled around. "Well, aren't we the intelligent one? In case you have  
  
not noticed...I AM A DWARF!"  
  
Legolas pushed past Gimli. "Gimli...that was utterly careless of you. You  
  
have not won my favour."  
  
Gimli stomped his foot and swore, angrily he shoved Frodo into a nearby  
  
'wall'. However, the 'wall' wasn't a 'wall' it was a bookcase and it toppled  
  
over underneath Frodo's weight.  
  
"Why not march up the stairs blaring a trumpet?!" Merry cried, Pippin shook  
  
his head.  
  
Frodo got up dusting himself off. "Gandalf could sure use some cleaning up."  
  
He mused as he began to join the others, to his surprise something reached  
  
out and grabbed his cloak, lifting him high into the air.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! put me do-!" He began to scream but a warm hand  
  
clamped over his mouth.  
  
"Frodo....what are you doing here?" A familiar deep voice asked, it was  
  
Strider. Frodo mumbled someting beneath his hand. "What?" Strider asked,  
  
Frodo repeated himself. "I don't understand..."  
  
"Remove your hand, Strider." Pippin pointed out, sighing. "This has really  
  
frightenened me, that I have been the brains in this operation."  
  
"I said, Strider, that they made me come here...to look at Gandalf's house."  
  
Frodo said, Strider put him down.  
  
"And none of you invited me?" He asked looking slightly hurt.  
  
"Well, I don't have your number." Gimli stated weakly.  
  
"My phone was disconnected." Legolas lied.  
  
"I told Pippin too!" Merry cried.  
  
Pippin paled. "I told Frodo!"  
  
"And I told Sam!" Frodo squealed quickly.  
  
"And what are you doing here anyway?" Gimli arched a brow.  
  
"Well...I...ummm.." Strider tried to think of an excuse. "..uh, well..Arwen  
  
sent me."  
  
Legolas giggled. "Arwen's bitch."  
  
"Am not!" Strider protested.  
  
"Are too!" Legolas argued.  
  
"Am not!" Strider growled, anger making the ranger's eyes glow.  
  
"You are Arwen's bitch boi, you are Arwen's bitch boi!" Legolas taunted in a  
  
singsong voice.  
  
Strider growled and lunged for the pretty elf, causing them both to topple  
  
onto a tabletop of really cool wizardly stuff. The bottled crashed to the  
  
floor and shattered into millions of itsy bitsy pieces that eahc made a huge  
  
disturbingly loud noise. Pippin sucked in a breath. "Good job."  
  
Frodo's brow furrowed. "Guys...do you think Gandalf is even home?"  
  
"Um, well his horse is outside." Gimli said lamley, as if this factor alone  
  
explained everything.  
  
"But, I would've awakened by now-with all the noise we're making." Frodo  
  
continued thoughtfully.  
  
Legolas groaned from underneath Strider. "Please, get off of me."  
  
"I can't-" Strider said weakly.  
  
"Get off!" Legolas screamed, trying to shove Strider off of him.  
  
"My back gave!" Strider whimpered.  
  
"SOMEONE GET THIS SMELLY HUMAN OFF OF ME!" Legolas screamed.  
  
Merry and Pippin shoved Frodo forward, reluctantly Frodo tugged on Strider's  
  
legs. Strider finally eased off of Legolas and fell backwards, onto the hard  
  
floor- and right on top of Frodo. Merry and Pippin covered their eyes,  
  
feeling Frodo's pain. Strider smiled. "My back is good now." He exclaimed  
  
standing up.  
  
"Are you alright, Frodo?" asked Pippin.  
  
"My legs.....are they still there?" Frodo gasped.  
  
"Yes, they are." Merry said. "Now get up, we have much exploring to do."  
  
The group looked around and to their disappointment nothing was out of the  
  
ordinary. They walked upstairs and Gimli noticed a door that was sealed off  
  
with yellow police tape. "What say you, friends? Cross or stay?"  
  
"Cross!" Legolas,Merry, Pippin, and Strider cried.  
  
"Stay." Frodo squeaked.  
  
Gimli ripped off the police tape and stepped into the room, when all saw he  
  
had not turned into a strange creature, they followed.  
  
"Oh, look!" Merry cried. "He has a Harry Potter collection!" He ran off to  
  
that side of the room.  
  
"And Star Wars!" Pippin shrieked, grabbing a Darth Vader and Princess Leia  
  
figurine and joing Merry. "So, we meet again, Potter." He cried in an overly  
  
exaggerated, deep and evil voice. Then he moved the Princess figurine and in  
  
an annoying high pitched girly voice said. "Oh, Harry, save me! Save me!"  
  
"You won't get away with this Vader!" Merry yelled. The two proceeded to  
  
make sorcery and sword fighting sounds while smashing the figurines into one  
  
another.  
  
Pippin pulled Darth away and breathed. "Harry, I have something to tell  
  
you."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Harry," Long silence. "I am your father."  
  
Gimli looked away. "Fools, the both of them ...hullo, what's this?" He waved  
  
Strider over to him, Strider looked at the videotapes laid out before thme  
  
and burst into laughter.  
  
Legolas arched a brow. "What's so funny?" he asked.  
  
Strider pointed to the videos. "You'll never believe what Gandalf watches."  
  
He laughed again. "Wet N' Wild Orcs, Saruman Does South Gondor, Hot N' Horny  
  
Hobbits, Eating At Elrond's -hey..Eating At Elrond's?!" He pushes the tape  
  
in the VCR expecting to Arwen to be-er,-the main course so to speak, he gets  
  
an unexpected surprise. Strider's mouth drops open. "Oh my GOD! What in the  
  
HELL is he doing to Elrond?!" He screamed.  
  
Legolas snickered. "My dear little ranger, the title is 'Eating At  
  
Elrond's'..I'd say he is eating."  
  
Strider covered his eyes. "Gah! Turn it off! TURN IT OFF! I can't watch  
  
anymore!"  
  
Gimli tilted his head studying the scene before him. "Do elves really like  
  
that?"  
  
"Shut up, Gimli...the wyas of the elves shall not be revealed to you."  
  
Legolas snapped.  
  
"Is it off?" Strider asked, he peeked through his fingers.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO IT ISN'T OFF! Turn it off!"  
  
Legolas and Gimli ignored him and continued to watch. "Hey, Frodo- take at  
  
look at this." Legolas called. "Frodo?" He looked around. "Frodo? Where are  
  
you?"  
  
"Right here." came the wizard's elderly voice. All eyes turned to face him,  
  
Merry and Pippin dropped their action figures while Strider blindly tried to  
  
turn the video off. Frodo was dangling by the collar in Gandalf's grip.  
  
"Meriadoc Brandybuck..Peragrin Took, Gimli son of Gloin, Legolas Greenleaf,  
  
and you too, Elessar... all have trespassed in my home, forbidden to all  
  
those uninvited." He shook his head, out Frodo down and crossed his arms.  
  
"You all have meddled in the affairs of a wizard...now be prepared for a  
  
suitable punishment."  
  
Strider fell to the ground, still covering his eyes in shock and horror,  
  
Gandalf's attention was brought to the TV. "I see you've been enjoying my  
  
videos as well as my collections." His eyes wandered to Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Gandalf...this, uh, isn't what you think.." Legolas muttered.  
  
"Really?" Gandalf arched a brows. "So, you've destroyed a lawn gnome,  
  
crawled through a window, broke my door, knocked over a bookcase, broke my  
  
testing bottles, played with my movie collection and watched my porn for a  
  
reason other than, and I quote, 'to see what a wizard's home looks like'?"  
  
More silence, then Strider squeaked. "Arwen sent me."  
  
"Really, Elessar?" Gandalf asked. "Did she? And for what? A recipe for tea?  
  
Perhaps a potion to cure her husband's foolishness? No, I think not..you  
  
came here for another reason...and that reason is?"  
  
Strider remained silent. "I onlt sought an anti-love potion. Arwen is great,  
  
but there are only so many times one can watch 'Steel Magnolias' and  
  
'Titanic' without wanting to retch. And she always wants me to be romantic  
  
and charming and she wants me to put the toliet seat down- and eat her damn  
  
homecooked meals and let's face it the girl can't cook!" Strider's voice  
  
raised. "And when i want to fuck I must refer to it as 'making love' and  
  
then she tells me 'I have a headache', or 'I don't feel good' and I can't  
  
fucking stand the way she BREATHES!"  
  
Everyone stared at him. "Whoa," Legolas finally said. "That was deep."  
  
"Touching," Gandalf said, still pissed. "however, you will all be punished  
  
nonetheless and I think I've devised the perfect punishment."  
  
/The Next Day/  
  
"Oh, Gandalf, you are too kind to me." Saruman purred as Merry and Pippin  
  
gave him a pedicure.  
  
"But of course my dear, anything for you." Gandalf replied sweetly.  
  
Legolas glared at him, pausing from brushing Saruman's hair. "Gandalf, when  
  
is the last time Saruman had his hair conditoned?"  
  
"Since he was presumed dead." Gandalf replied, watching Frodo as he gave  
  
Saruman his manicure. "Make them sharp, Frodo, but not too sharp.." He  
  
turned away satisfied with their work and walked over to his camera.  
  
"Elrond, are you ready?"  
  
Elrond threw off his robe and laid on the bed. "Yes,I'm ready. Although, I'm  
  
slightly peeved..."  
  
"Don't be ...your payment shall be Galadriel's ring.." Elrond's eyes  
  
immediately brightened. "Now, come out, Elessar....time for your big break."  
  
Strider reluctantly walked towards Elrond, whimpering he turned to Gandalf.  
  
"Must I?"  
  
Gandalf smiled. "Payback's a bitch my dear, and we needed a sequel to eating  
  
at Elrond's. Now we have it, Eating At Elrond's 2:Â  THe King Eats Out."  
  
Strider held back a sob as Gandalf grinned. "Lights, camera, action!"  
  
END 


End file.
